First, take a big step back... and literally, f*** YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down in a Godly f***ing firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the f***ing United Nations and get a f***ing binding resolution to keep me from f***ing destroying you. I'm talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL f*** YOU UP!

My dick ran up 42 flights of stairs before you showed up...

Damn it I thought this was a thread about ITT Tech.

*puts up hands...slowly walks backwards out of thread*

Jeff, Who still lives at home

What the f*** did you just f***ing say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the f*** out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my f***ing words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, f***er. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re f***ing dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your f***ing tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re f***ing dead, kiddo.

I have a cat named Mittens

@fanman900 said:

OH BOB SAGET

I know bob. Great guy. His girlfriend is ridiculous.

Yesterday I took my driving test, passed, and officially have a drivers license for the first time since 7/7/04!!! Woo Hooo!! Learned a lot and was very humbled. Driving is a blessing and a priviledge. And NEVER drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink

@TheEmperorJoker said:

Is this @ADAWGWYO driving 2.0 or 3.0?

haha definitely just a hiatus, so 2.0. Unless you're talking about BAC then it is zero point zero

So, should we just start quoting 90% of all Phish lyrics...?

she called her a BITCH...right in front of her TITS!

you can't do ANYTHING without your BALLS

don't talk shit about Total

First of all, Jim, or - excuse me, "********", you waste hours and hours of my time telling me about how you want to "get on" this elisa chick and it pisses you off that she wants nothing to do with you (which is hard for me to listen to because it is annoying as balls to hear your retarded stories), and then you tell me to spread the word that she's a psycho. So I go out of my way, as any good friend would, to back you up and spend hours of my quality time telling everyone to watch out for her and avoid her at any/all shows. And then what do you do? You steal my dying grandma's credit cards and max them out?!!!

I know it was you. I'm the only one with a key to her house, I went there ONCE -- WITH YOU, and I leave you alone in the kitchen (where her credit cards WERE in a mason jar) for five minutes while I'm in the bathroom. Huh, that's weird, I hear from my uncle that somebody stole her cards and maxed them out, and, what-do-you-know, spent over $500 on ticketmaster tickets for Phish concerts! He thought it was me! How dare you! THEN, I calmly ask you about it, 90% sure it was you (10% was reserved for trust in a good friend), and you bawl like a baby, "please believe me, i would never do that.... Man, you don't understand, people always accuse me of stuff I didn't do..." I comfort you, now 75% sure it was you, as you cry like a 5 year-old girl whose dog was just executed in front of her.

So THEN I bump into a mutual friend, who shall remain an anonymous REAL friend, who tells me you bought tickets for him, his girlfriend, and his cousin. Wow! What a great guy you! Were you bawling like a 3 year-old boy who just got circumcised when you gave them the sweet gift?!!!

Who steals from a dying old woman?!!! Answer me that!! I supported you our whole lives! I've always been there for you. Anything you needed, I did for you. You needed a place to crash for a week because you're a waste of a human being and I housed your psychopath, smelly, weird-shaped body. You stunk up my couch and I was happy to let you do it! I'm a real friend. My grandma was so nice to you!

Or, better yet, remember the "big secret" you had me keep since 7th grade when you slept over?! Yeah, how bout I tell everybody about the "big secret"?! A secret I kept for YEARS because THAT'S what good friends do. But, the way you treated my family I guess is your way of telling me we're not friends after all. And people who aren't friends don't have to keep secrets anymore.

So Jimmy, sorry, "********" slept over at my house in 7th grade. While we slept on the floor in my basement, he showed me through his pajamas that he was hard. He said that if i gave him a hand job that he would put my wiener in his mouth. I didn't know right from wrong and felt weird about it, but I was horny and whatever. So I gave him a hand job and then he gave me my first blow job. There, ********, the "big secret" is out! And let me just say "********" is the BIGGEST RED FLAG for your manhood. How are you not driving a monster truck? Your wiener is like a misshapen crayon without a wrapper on it. Believe me, I know. In 7th grade you could've fit 5 of your wieners into mine. And you probably tried while I was sleeping!

So, I'll make a deal with you -- I'll call off the dogs if you change your profile name to "The_New_Born_Retarded_Mouse". Otherwise, I will get people to bring picket signs to shows that say "Gay And Robs Old Ladies" with arrows pointing down and have them stand behind you wherever you are. Wherever. Concession stand. In any line. On top of your car in the parking lot. In the mensroom where you undoubtedly check out the scene.

And don't ever mess with the people I love again, or I will beat the ever-living-piss out of your pussy-ass, douchebag-dressing, lying ass and drag you while you're unconscious into a gay bar and fart on your face bare bottomed. Then I'll leave a sign on your chest that reads "Blow Jobs For Hand Jobs" and I'll leave the bar while the gatrons interpret the message. Then I'll wait by my car until I can hear your familiar sissy-bawls.

You're NOT a true friend or a good person. I don't care if you DID give me a blow job. You made me jerk your stallion's-pinky-toenail-sized-wiener. Then robbed my grandma. Again, DON'T MESS WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE.

your first blow job was from a dude in 7th grade? Wow. I didn't get a blow job til 10th, of course it was from a female and everything but I digress

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

::fell apart::

@FunkyCFunkyDo said:

@phrisky, dude...

Might be the funniest copy and paste I've ever seen. The one about the dude farting in the rude kids face was top notch too.

@careful_w_that_axe_Miller said:

The truth sucks

Somebody typed it dude. Just because it wasn't me doesn't mean it isn't still funny.

I probably should have waited until I stopped laughing to think about posting it.

The incident occurred in July in Warren when his wife of 39 years, who was estranged from him, stayed at his place. He offered her $20 for sex, and when she refused he took out his penis and struck her with it, according to the prosecution’s version of events to which he pleaded guilty.

So the midget dressed as Santa turned around, yelled yahtzee, kicked his friend, and tried to put his pants back on but ended up tripping over the goat in the process. Everyone was laughing until the cops showed up...but to our surprise they only arrested the clown.

We followed the lines going south

Your mom's hot, it happens

@Purple_Humpback_Whale said:

When I was a senior in high school I went to Florida and ran into Dick Vitale who looked at me and my friends and said, "Spring Break '09 Baby!" which was awesome, then he asked us if we liked his car, which was a Bentley and he said, "My wife baught me that for Xmas. 300 G's Baby!" then he asked if we liked baseball which I said Yes and then he gave me 4 tickets to the Cincinnati Reds Spring training game sitting right on the dugout. He also kinda hit on my mom...

For real?

@Purple_Humpback_Whale, that is a great story.

1. Would like to 699 this thread
2. Wonders if it was created to keep random stories out of other threads
3. that's preposterous
4. I don't like it when people hold doors for me
5. Subjugation seems to be a rule in life. I try to live "with" my feline and not subjugate her as I clean her litter box, feed her, and provide her a comfy nest
6. I miss my dog, a lot; no one bought me a ewe
7. Is it possible to get addicted to immodium?
8. Why can't I stop chewing
9. How am I going to quit the next pharmaceutical
10. Can I "never" get high again
11. How can I meet Emma Watson socially
12. Am I creepy
13. I am pretty creepy
14. Where do I go to learn about musical instruments
15. What are the chances of getting "shivved" at a meet up
16. If I tour with Phish, can I still wash my clothes and bathe
17. Glad I didn't post picture of Cartman performing fellacio on Butters
18. What if there's bad weather 12/30
19. Can I dance in leather shoes instead of crocks
20. Best way to transport contraband

I drink too much and get drunk.
So like thats my life for the past 3 days.