Longest Post Ever: my transcendental experience at AC1

I believe that I decided to go to see the Phish in AC sometime in April. I had bought tickets to Brit Floyd and not gone, too skitzed; getting on and off opiates, taking benzos like crazy and smoking lots of dope.

I got some San Pedro tops from a friend of mine, I decided to cook them down, they were plump and juicy, too juicy, I had maybe 9lbs of fruit? Idk. Thing is I cooked it down and it let off this terrible odor, stunk up the whole house. I generally feel like I'm tripping everyday, always see tracers they don't go away, but while this stuff was cooking I felt like I was "tripping". Like everyday for 2 weeks while I cooked this stuff down slowly, things were extremely significant, almost slow motion. I'm talking to my buddy on the phone and I say, "I think this shit is f***ing me up!" Just as I say it, my kat who never pukes looks at me and vomits green sludge everywhere; beware of vapors.

I think it was the vapors that finally did me in, I'm not going back and wasn't going back to the "real" world, and the one thing I wanted to do was tour with Phish, I was scared to drive with my license suspended for points, and the whole double Dewey thing, if I get caught driving hammered its county for a year. I had never been to a show alone and that was really the biggest step, I decided to take the greyhound from Pittsburgh to AC. I had never taken an American bus before and I musta been trippin.

I couldnt sleep Wed night cause of my first show in 2 years, the unexpected, jitters and excitement.
So the bus leaves at like 11pm thursday and gets to NYC at 6am then I transfer and get to AC at like 10am day of show. I figured I'd sleep on the bus, what I didn't figure is that there would be a tremendously hot Latina on the bus, making eyes and stealing my sleep and thought, this would come back to haunt me, i had many unpure thoughts.

If you've never taken a greyhound over 100+ miles then you may not know that the bus f***jng stinks, no way I was sleepin.

So I jumped buses having not slept now for roughly 42 hours. Sleep deprivation is an excellent drug, I was melon headed man; ha ha I read the posts on a thread I wont name and just laugh, popping benzos and eating suboxones at that point and still not sleeping? I was excited for live PHISH.
My hotel was way the fuxk out there in egg harbor, took me til 1 to get there and check in, I lay down for a bit but still no sleep, think I started heading to the venue around 4, I needed to take the bus and the trip was all new to me.
So I got lost on the buses, jag off bus driver tells me that he'd indicate when I should get off, we are in a rough part of AC and I go up and ask him what's up, he's like "your still on the bus?" He let me out and told me to take some other bus, it was 5:30ish I sat on the north side of AC with no idea where Bader was.

I had about 5-6 grams of magic fungus that I had for over a year. Generally they say, unlike cannabis or liquor, the loving fungus is strongest when you pick it fresh, idk. I had eaten around 4 grams on 3/19/12 and had visuals like I was on 3 hits of paper, it was awesome. I really didn't consider the strength of the fungus, I just figured if I ate an eigth I'd be straight. So on a bench sitting next to an old black dude I posted in the aforementioned thread, admitted I can certainly be pretentious thereby cleaning my subconscious, then I started eating the dried fungi. Ha ha makes me gag a bit thinking about eating them with no water, ha ha love it. I got on the right bus, still had to walk quite a ways but I saw lots of hairy weird looking folks, I fit right in walking to the venue. It's about 6:45 now and I'm walking beside people of my age but not my mindset, clearly refined wooks and indeed they were, teachers, 2 dudes who seemed less than pleased to see me and a relatively hot female, I am pretty fuxk'd up in real life situations due to the acid, I'm surely a paranoid schizophrenic, but functional and it's only when I don't try, I'm a salesperson by trade and could pitch Obama and have him "like" me, but he would just like the apparition I created to present myself, it would be fake, not the real me but the me that I think would make you like me, that's selling.
I was walking with these people, with whom I couldn't possibly relate, I did ask what time it was, the chick tells me that its almost 7, I proceeded to pull out the fungus and eat it to their astonishment, saving about a gram. That should have been a "nifty" time, it was pretty close to "straight jacket" time ha ha

Tickets at will-call and my trip is coming on. I'm alone, completely solo in a group of groups, it skitzed me out for a second, I had to dig deep to find center and function. Fungus was coming on still stronger now after getting searched, im carrying rollies in a cup, chick just looked at me and was like, "have a good time sir" ha, I had what I needed for the show in green love.

Meandering in to the venue passing people, occasionally a "what's up", but truly I do enjoy being alone, and the fact that I was alone made it f***ing intense. It was awesome.
I look very mean in person, I don't have a sports car I keep very clean however, I have "thought lines" on my face from lessons given to beat the pride out of me. I've been working on trying to smile which is surprisingly difficult even with the joy I have in my heart and the love I feel for existence, there is a lot of pain in the world. Point is, folks generally shy away from me, children can run or break into tears with one look at me, not joking, depending on my demeanor; again if I wanted to fake it there would be no problem, I'd just sell "me", I don't want to do that. ¿Comprendé?

My first show solo, my first show without the mother of my daughter, I carried them and our relationship with me on my back. My first show without one of my best friends who I have had to leave behind due to opiate issues, I carried that relationship on my back. All of the expectations for a well to do gentleman by society, yep on my back. 56 hours wide awake when they took the stage , lack of sleep was on my back. Plus all the other things that always are on my back. Expectations, death, guilt. Things were about to get "real" very quickly.

After Sloth, nothing was on my back. Just as soon as they started up my body started up. The shows I was at with my ex were uncomfortable, i was self conscious except for the first two, I saw some killer sets I wish I had back just so I could properly show appreciation by movement.
After all the intensity of coming into the venue and strangers and groups of groups, when they started up with sloth, none of that mattered, it was awesome. I had 15k friends straight sharing in the groove.

I am a believer in the higher power, every day I think about this higher power and the show was no different. If you've read this much, I'll share a secret with you about tripping, your God is God no matter what, drink water, pee; you'll never have a bad trip.

I felt so much relief as the boys tore into the set. I only remember patches of what was played, MSO hmmm I've listened to it several times since but I suppose that right around 46 days, cities, I was tripping my left and right ball completely off, thing is I'm hallucinating wonderfully, you know if you know what the Phish can paint in your head whilst of separate perception. I kept my eyes closed, ha ha and just watched the lights in my brain, and "appendages flailing" pretty much covers it, I'm sweating now and dancing my ass off just so happy, occasionally I'd open my eyes and people would be like,"are you ok" the first ten times I said "ya", poor girl behind me was catching elbows, I did stop and apologize to her explaining that I was "celebrating Phish vociferously" direct quote. Now I felt the music like you feel your lovers' hand, it was all over me man, my body could not stop moving, when I would look up I noticed that around a 5 ft perimeter had formed around me, this was because I was hallucinating radically and dancing into people. I was having the first truly joyful experience in quite sometime, getting high on pills is not joy, vogue'ing at the exact appropriate moment in a phish song is joy ha ha truth.
As I light up a joint I'm tripping pretty hard, and i hadnt peaked just kept going up. I turn around and see these two dudes that were dressed near identical, with sunglasses on and they just didn't look right, I thought first there was an issue due to the paranoid schizo in me, I asked them, "do we have a problem" dude is like "no", sweet, I just kept grooving man, sweating drinking water and chain smoking cigarettes. DS comes, then STFTFP and I'm wearing a blank space t shirt, I know you shouldn't wear Phish shirts to Phish shows but who gives a f***, it made me pretty happy to hear it, everything to include the cheers of the crowd, music, dancing was a celebration to the highest power, I thanked the highest power often throughout the set, it was good, when squirming coil came on I was starting what I'd call a peak plateau meaning that because I ate the fungus over time the effect didn't hit me all at once but extended my peak and the intensity of my trip. Ok so I was pretty sure that my flailing appendages were visible to anyone who was looking, and (this is embarrassing, I have no delusions when I'm not faced) I thought at the end of coil, the pronunciation of "got away" was telling me to "get away" as in the two undercovers behind me are about to bust you, ha ha, I jetted through the crowd, pausing for pages fine work to close the set far fish side near the water.
That's were i went, to get hydrated, I felt great. I didn't feel alone, or alienated, I was confidant and happy, it's possible I tried to go back stage to meet the band like idk 5 times, this dude just kept looking at me. Ha ha, sorry.

This is where it gets scrambled, from post event analysis I gather some good soul directed me to the "come down tent" or the "come down tent" delivered, probably cause I kept trying to go back stage ha ha, so start talking to this dude, and god bless him he was a great guy but if he was a part of a come down squad or something he had no idea what the f*** he was doing because he indulged me, it is very important to set limits for people that are under the influence like "you can't fly" "you can't drive" "you can't have sex with my girl" etc. I will say the dude was pretty nice person, he was pretty smart but I was in la la land. He kept asking me what I was on and I wouldn't tell him, just told him I meditated and wouldn't tell him for fear of future prosecution, I remember explaining to this dude how time travel is possible though, and that was recurring because rather than saying "no" he asked me a question for which I'd have an answer because that is literally all I've done for the last 5-15 years is think about one thing continually and in my dreams, e=m(c(c)). He'd say "wait what do you mean?", I'd explain and he'd say "you are right" ha ha so after he told me I was right enough I believed him. Yes I have discovered time travel.
When they came out second set i was not home at all, i was in the ether, i told the dude that if they kept it up they would summon a spirit. I remember thinking about the energy of the crowd and the music in thermodynamic terms. I was too deep in my head. I must have been a danger to others because I remember them fencing me off and the people's faces looking at me like "wow, that guys fujked up" and the security looking at me with tough eyes and soft bodies, ha ha ha; if you've read this far one other tip about tripping, do not fuxk with someone when they are tripping unless your sure you own them. I am truly a gentle soul, I do not kill insects for the love of God, a book says that some dude said "how you treat the least of the creatures in my kingdom is how ill treat you" and I don't want squished. I was obviously quite defensive from being there by myself, I had prepared myself prior mentally to be cautious, this was back firing now rapidly. I was most likely a danger to others if provoked, sorry lesson learned. I had some further discussion with dude, he told me the next day was Fathers Day, my first as a biological dad, i had a premonition that my dad would die before the next Father's day, it hit me like a ton of bricks, i had deep thoughts of guilt associated with my human failures, too include my lustful thoughts of the young latina, i felt guilty for how I had treated women in the past, i thought of what I had put my mother through as she watched me careen out of control so many times into drugs, love, my own illusions. Things were getting dark inside my head, I left to get water, came to the tent and they had those hot chicks working, I had no bottle ha ha, I just kind of hung on the rail, the chick serving water was not just hot she was electric lovin, I told her "you are very attractive" she gave me a pure smile, i am picturing it right now in my head and it was good surely an angel, like a chick smiling at her sweetheart before he goes off to war. I scampered back into the crowd hallucinating wildly increasingly dark disturbing things from my past crept in to destroy me or be vanquished, all ill say about it is "here I tap on this phone, very humble and happy" I won't share exactly what happened in the crowd but evil was present and I believe beaten back down, I guess evil is always present in as many ways as it is absent.
(Insert here, I mentioned above about my failures as a human, it are these failures that were creeping about my psyche. It took til AC2 to recover mentally from my deep sadness, it is now joy; demons demolished.)

Throughout twist I fell about 15 times, I think i got into a couple fights ha ha sorry, people were pushing me page side, ha ha ha, couldn't figure out why as I moved left the people behind me looked pissed and the people in front of me were happy; of course it was because I was moving through the crowd like a moron, it was f***ed up, i envisioned light and darkness, good and bad, although the darkness that was present allowed for a greater experience that was joy, for a couple minutes it was hairy.
I had Nietzsche on the brain, and the "will to......Power" I suppose, it became my paradigm that I could transcend matters bonds and place it were i needed it, put my arm up and move the ground to it ha ha, of course this was just me stumbling around again like a moron ha ha. I have spent years studying religion, praying and meditating; seeking answers, I can't say I believe that Jesus was the son of God anymore than any of us are, this is/was a deeply personal thought process. I remembered the pain of (this is gross) fecal impaction related to severe opiate abuse, (quickly: I was taking way to many drugs after my ex ditched with my kid, my endocrine system was basically shutting down, I ate nothing but brussel sprouts, raisin bran and pears and still couldn't poop, ha ha sorry but it's relevant, so Christmas '11 I spend a week in San Diego inside a shower drinking barium. Later in January when I finally came clean, I experienced the most painful experience in my life, think shitting a dry brick or giving birth) I was reminded of this pain at AC1 and I was scared, but it allowed me an epiphany. I wondered why God would need to take human form, it is undoubtedly to feel pain. God is in all of us friend.
A good soul encouraged me back to the tent, somehow I got there, dude told me to go sit by one of those light towers at like 5 o'clock from the stage. I complied and was lulled to sleep by one of my favorite songs in BB, i think, I passed out. I think I must have taken something, benadryl?, but it could have been the heat, drugs, and lack of sleep. Though when I woke up, some very kind chick is like "get up, you'll feel better" I say to myself, "what the f*** just happened", I was completely lucid, sober save for tracers. She comes over, though I had hoped she wouldn't, reverting back to schizo paranoid, she rubbed my back and it was the first human touch of warmth I had in months, it made me cold.
I lost my shoes, I lost my phone; I kept my drugs, money, and cigarettes. I trekked back the whatever number of blocks to the Tropicana and up the boardwalk in my socks, my feet hurt so I put styrofoam cups in the bottom as soles, I paid a taxi $80 to take me 8mi to my hotel right away. humbling joy, such goodness, I was beaten down and wasn't sure I'd go back to a show, I remembered the visions i had, I wondered about my ability to be a good human; then I called my phone from the taxi and a good dude answered the phone assuring me he'd give it back, I asked him to leave me a number so I could reward him, he didn't; he plugged in an alarm that rang every day for 4 months labeled "turn life around" the only new number on the phone is an NYC number labeled mike Gordon. Ive texted it, no response. (Insert, it's mikes hotline number, ha ha ha just figured that out the other day)

After I slept I realized how many complete strangers were willing to help me, and I was probably dangerous as I was defensive, such good folks, bottom of my heart thank you, the negativity I had felt the night before was embarrassment, being embarrassed is joy as it teaches. I learned so much in this one night about myself, my thoughts of divinity, my weaknesses, my failures; so pure man, this trip changed my life forever. I destroyed feeling of guilt, I came closer to my creator, and I have been given a path; even if it is delusional.

I have never felt closer to my creator than dancing to Phish music, sober or faced. After SPAC2, I should have picked up the cutey with a sign for Boston, but instead constructed a plan to see all the Phish shows in 2013, before i get too old or too employed, driving the 7.5hrs alone (as many shows as The Lord sees fit is just fine)

I love this band, love these people; i understand it's hard to be open when you do illegal things, and it's hard to be open to strangers, however opiate addicts on the mend apparently like to talk to anyone who will listen as much as possible and things you wouldn't want to know (reference bill Burroughs, "junky").

So thanks .net, for being here and going easy on me. Understand that my posts are carefully orchestrated so that I needn't "sell" when I meet you, i can just be my paranoid generally skitzed and of course creepy self. It's very easy for me to be fake, being truthful is different, but the hope is that by sharing within a community if and when we meet, we won't be such strangers.