Dear .net, I know our relationship has been mostly exhilerating, eye opening, awe inspiring and dripping with mind and body expanding sexuality, but there are a few things I've done here for which I need to be punished and if the good people of .net see fit, I will take up my hobobindle full of snarky comments and exaggerated judgements and beat it on down the line, although I would prefer to stay and limit conversation only to Phish and wondering aloud what the band members do with their free time.

1. I have had what my priest told me are improper thoughts about every single female .netter. Granted, I have never met any of you, and I don't know what you look like, but I just fill in various underage-looking porn stars to play your roles, and I act on this in a violent manner, directing it at strangers I meet on the street, namely the girls waiting to get on the bus to one of the local ghetto high schools. I hope this doesn't offend any of you and that we can have a wholesome and non-awkward relationship so that you don't feel afraid to go to .net meetups for fear that a bull-pervert is lurking around.

2. I have a long running PM converstation about bowel movements with @easywind111 that I believe has occasionally spilled over into the forum (which should be called "the phorum," right?) a few times. Someday I will grow up; apparently 28 years is not long enough.

3. Due to public outcry on .net regarding my ladyboy importing business I have closed up shop, but we still had to euthanize a few of them when we did so, because they were just too damn hellish looking to free into the general public. Trust me, this is an act of mercy, they would have been burned alive if they had hit the streets.

4. Finally, my irresponsibily in reviewing Trey's Fall Tour and my general comments about traveler have resulted in the annihilation of the Yuggappa people of .net's Southern Island Protectorate.

Their king was so embarrased when he found out that when Pig Tail was written, it was intended for picking out six inch heels at the mall and to be the second-to-last dance at white upper middle class junior proms around the country, that he hung himself in front of his army. As you know, they have been at war for some time, and the loss of their leader was so demoralizing that they gave in and now the kingdom's babies are being thrown to the snapping turtles while the city crumbles.

Please .net allow me back into your good graces. I promise I will participate in at least 30% of the Best Of threads, that I will no longer bash astrology, voodoo, christianity and other forms of mumbo jumbo, and that I will significantly decrease comments about feces and pregnancy, and likewise I will stop suggesting that .netters act with violence toward coworkers, neighbors and family members.

Thank you .net, you are a rainbow-prism glistening in the dew-drop on a dove's wings as she ripples endless loving sunlight, galavanting through the sky. Please forgive me.

Fantastic. Loved every bit.

/would read again

@the_Crested_Hogchoker said:

@Superballin said:

Don't you ever change @the_Crested_Hogchoker

pretty sure Obama said I have to

He's a hypocrite

@the_Crested_Hogchoker - Do you also apologize for failing to use an Oxford comma in the final sentence of your penultimate paragraph, or was that intentional?

This is important.

@johnnyd said:

@the_Crested_Hogchoker - Do you also apologize for failing to use an Oxford comma in the final sentence of your penultimate paragraph, or was that intentional?

This is important.

poetic license... it's secret mating language; I know that when someone notices, I have found my future spouse

Tom, there is something seriously wrong with your head in the most awesome way. I wanna be inside you brahj

@the_Crested_Hogchoker said:

@TheArgus said:

Tom, there is something seriously wrong with your head in the most awesome way. I wanna be inside you brahj

I've been waiting sooooo long to see you to type those words hah

You rejected me before, said I was too healthy, I told you I would get leperacy for you. I took it as a personal challenge to resist my urges until the leprophecy had been fulfilled.

I'm ready for you

@IntoYesterday said:

This is my first ever post from a phone

...I'm honored.

@the_Crested_Hogchoker said:

@TheArgus said:

@the_Crested_Hogchoker said:

@TheArgus said:

Tom, there is something seriously wrong with your head in the most awesome way. I wanna be inside you brahj

I've been waiting sooooo long to see you to type those words hah

You rejected me before, said I was too healthy, I told you I would get leperacy for you. I took it as a personal challenge to resist my urges until the leprophecy had been fulfilled.

I'm ready for you

So, can I assume you have some new orifices where various appendages used to be?

I'm creating new ones every day

@the_Crested_Hogchoker said:

@Superballin said:

Don't you ever change @the_Crested_Hogchoker

pretty sure Obama said I have to

@TheArgus said: "@the_Crested_Hogchoker said: "@TheArgus said: "@the_Crested_Hogchoker said: "@TheArgus said: "@the_Crested_Hogchoker said: "@TheArgus said: "Tom, there is something seriously wrong with your head in the most awesome way. I wanna be inside you brahj"

I've been waiting sooooo long to see you to type those words hah"

You rejected me before, said I was too healthy, I told you I would get leperacy for you. I took it as a personal challenge to resist my urges until the leprophecy had been fulfilled.

I'm ready for you "

So, can I assume you have some new orifices where various appendages used to be?"

I'm creating new ones every day"

YES!

"let there be a hole for every pole" -John Lennon"

I just busted a pretty epic hemmeroid, John's dream is coming true!!"

Crush up some adderall and cinnamon and rub that on there, I promise you'll feel like a million bucks.

Awesome stuff

@TheArgus

K always works shugah.

Dude. I've been compacted lately. Bummer huh?

@easywind111 said:

Dude. I've been compacted lately. Bummer huh?

sounds like the winds isn't so easy now is it?

Go to Moes and buy a shitload of their queso cheese sauce, that'll clear ya right out!!

Is this the ICP show?

::looks around for juggahoes::

@muggleballs said:

I will only forgive you when I know which specific underage porn star you associate with me and approve of said 'actress'

Well you didn't ask me specifically, but since you asked in general..

You're that Asian chick from the 5th Harry Potter movie. More specifically, if you buy the unrated limited edition directors cut 3 disc DVD box set and go to the alternate endings, select the third option. **SPOILER ALERT** Harry let's the Asian chick ride his broomstick if you know what I mean ::winkwinknudgenudge::

Consider this my apology for flaking on words with friends like 6 months ago, my phone got all dumb and decided to go for a swim in a boiling pot of spaghetti, hasn't worked right since

WTF is going on around here these days...

Do I need to have an epic melt about .net? I'm so confused...

If you get offended by an internet fan forum I think you need to turn your electronics off and go outside more.

I have spoken with my inner child and we are in agreement. We will not be able to issue a creed of forgiveness at this time. You may resubmit you apology in 3 months time.

Do we get it yet folks?

Wtf is going on here?

@easywind111 said:

I'm gonna try a large little Caesars and a pot of coffee. That ought to work.

Yoohoo and some spaghetti with extra garlic and don't drain the grease from the meat

@muggleballs said:

I will only forgive you when I know which specific underage porn star you associate with me and approve of said 'actress'

Personally, I try not to remember the names of the underage porn stars that turn me on. That's how addictions start and next thing you know you're flying solo at little league softball games.

I apologize .net, for I have sinned.
It has been 20 years since my last confession.
I've hit my brother, been mean to my mom, had impure thoughts
I've used PT and PP.

::says 10 Hail Marys::
::flashes back to catholic grade school::
::schedules therapy session::
::puts down dude bong brah::