I used to love my job. Great work. Awesome people. Cool boss.

I had an extended illness that caused me to have to take a significant time away from work. Now my boss ignores me and treats me like I have nothing to offer (his loss really). He even goes so far as to talk about me within earshot as if I'm not there.

How do I deal with this? I'm so pissed off that I just want to blow up at him for being an insensitive prick but I'm really trying hard not to do that.

How can I handle this without my brain exploding?

Any advice is welcome.

Thanks,
Ivy

@ivy_light said:

I used to love my job. Great work. Awesome people. Cool boss.

I had an extended illness that caused me to have to take a significant time away from work. Now my boss ignores me and treats me like I have nothing to offer (his loss really). He even goes so far as to talk about me within earshot as if I'm not there.

How do I deal with this? I'm so pissed off that I just want to blow up at him for being an insensitive prick but I'm really trying hard not to do that.

How can I handle this without my brain exploding?

Any advice is welcome.

Thanks,
Ivy

Certainly an unprofessional boss. How was he with you prior to the illness? Cool, indifferent?

@ivy_light said:

He was very cool for the most part. The real issue is that it was a mental illness. And it's really frustrating to me that he's in the business of studying that very thing.

If the folks who study mental illness can't have compassion for sufferers, I hold little hope that non-professionals will every be able to get past the stigma.

Have you heard him talking about others? Is he scared you could take his job? Is he undermining your career?

Patience is a keen virtue.
Also, prove that jerk wrong.

I can sympathize with u. What a long strange trip it's been.

How long has this been going on for? Your out of the this workplace in April no matter what? Is he going to help you move on, are there other people for references if you are moving on? Are you friendly with the people he talks to? You may want to start sweet talking them, so they might give you some more information on his actions. Can you confront him?

Pardon me bossman where you just talking about me and my issue I had? Clearly not his place, and none of your co workers business unless you off up the information.

Start looking for new work ASAP. Always remember how many have no work at the moment to keep yourself humble. When you find new work move on.

Sucks when people in authority don't know how to treat the people they manage. The long term result is a less capable, less productive team and the boss will eventually look as bad as he is because those with skills will go elsewhere. High turnover rates will result in wasted time retraining and people who won't do as well just because they are new at it.

Keep the head up and best of luck.

Do you have HR that you can reach out too? It's possible that you can get a mediator in and air out whatever is necessary. Sometimes people have flase understanding of events that took place, and it's unfair to hold this against you. Though it's not your bosses place to make conclusions about your personal life, it's just human nature.

My recommendation is to make sure you keep some solid documentation of what's going on. If you were on an extended FMLA, then you're protected by law. So I would insure that you keep track of incidents, and just try to keep a level head. It's unfortunate to hear that your boss is doing what he is, but he's human as well.

Above all else, just keep a level head through everything. It's not an easy situation to be in, but your actions can definitely alter how everything turns out. Pretty much, do the opposite of what the person above me said to do.

@ivy_light said:

I used to love my job. Great work. Awesome people. Cool boss.

I had an extended illness that caused me to have to take a significant time away from work. Now my boss ignores me and treats me like I have nothing to offer (his loss really). He even goes so far as to talk about me within earshot as if I'm not there.

How do I deal with this? I'm so pissed off that I just want to blow up at him for being an insensitive prick but I'm really trying hard not to do that.

How can I handle this without my brain exploding?

Any advice is welcome.

Thanks,
Ivy

I can totally understand what you're going through, @ivy_light. And I truly sympathize with you, as falling ill is not something YOU created. Phuck your boss.

I am going through a similar thing. I have been a bit crazy lately due to something that happened as a child. I am finally dealing with it now in a proper fashion. I told my employer, even though I didn't have to, and now I am being treated as a head case.

My advice? Do awesome work and make sure you keep it up. Don't let one loser ruin what you've accomplished in your life. This is what I am currently learning at this job. You have to remain strong, go full-force at what you do and do your best not to let it get into your head.

Control the situation; don't let the situation control you. It's a lesson I am learning the hard way, but have turned things around. I will not let anyone from "the outside" affect who I am "inside."

Good luck, and PM me if you want to chat more.

My brain is my job and my brain wasn't functioning correctly. It's hard to work when you're so anxious that you're agoraphobic.

@cupuscakus said:

@ivy_light -- I am sorry to hear your boss is a douchebag. Mental illness should be treated like any other illness, with empathy and consideration. My advice is to do your best and look to the finish line... April is not that far away.
Does this boss have anything to do with your transfer to CO? Can he in some way f*** that up for you?

I'm supposed to talk to her this week about the future. But, yes. Her opinion of me has most likely been tainted by him.

Once I had an anxiety attack at work. I passed out, I freaked out, it sucked.

I was super embarrassed and upset. I was talking to my Dad about the way I felt and he said "If you fell down the steps and broke your leg would you feel so embarrassed and ashamed?" I answered "No" and he went on to say the having mental health issues, is a health issue and no different than breaking a leg.

I'd try calmly speaking with your boss about the issue and then go to Human Resources.

You are one of the bravest and strongest woman I know Ivy. Hold your head up, confront this issue and move forward.

@ivy_light said:

Thanks, @Ednaz and all you guys.

We'll see how it goes. I'm going to begin documenting things and if things don't improve, I'm going to the Director of my institute or HR.

Can you talk to the people who helped you during your absence, maybe they have a suggestion on legalities and what not.

@ivy_light - I'm really sorry that you're experiencing that. Oh the ironing.

Any advice would be dependent on the result you are looking for. I can certainly see a case to be made for keeping your head down and riding it out until April. Especially if your boss has influence on your new position in Colorado. Although this is the least satisfying advice for you personally (I completely understand that this will NOT address your feelings of hurt, loss of respect for him, etc., etc.) it would probably be the "safest" course of action professionally.

If it's gotten to a point where hanging in there is simply not feasible, then there are several options available to you (many of which can be done simultaneously).

1. Talk to your boss. Tell him that since you've been back you've felt that things have changed. Provide specific examples. Sounds like you may have already done this.

2. Talk with HR (if not available, then your boss's boss). Advise them of the situation. Let them know that you've reached out to him to try and work through the differences, but you need them to be aware of the situation in case anything escalates or the behavior continues. I would reconsider waiting. Behavior like you are describing rarely gets better on its own and getting a third party in to hear your concerns is advisable from a legal perspective as well (may afford additional protection from retaliation and it at least nullifies any argument that your company(school?) was not aware of the issue).

3. Depending on what defcon level we've reached here, there is always the possibility of consulting an attorney and/or contacting the EEOC. Regardless of the nature of your leave, what you're describing (basically being "frozen out" professionally by your boss, in addition to the general assholeyness*) strikes me as closer to retaliation(if your leave was FML protected)/discrimination (rather than the harassment that would lead to a "hostile work environment" claim). In either case (and it's probably a combination of both), it's pretty terrible behavior.

The problem with pursuing these legal courses of action is that there is zero chance that anything will be accomplished by April. That's simply not enough time for your complaint to make its way through the system. So, if you are even considering these options, know that you would have to continue to deal with the case/follow through well after you've moved on to Colorado. However, depending on how you feel (I would be fairly outraged that someone working in this field behaves in this manner) it may be worth it.

Please PM me if you have additional questions.

No time to edit. Hope this makes some sense.

/not an employment attorney

Kick him in the nuts.

/Thread.

Sorry Ivy... f*** that guy, you are better than him.

((((((((((vibes))))))))))

If you do get the chance at the end of your time there it couldn't hurt to let him know how he hurt you. Might give closure. Just try to keep emotion out of it. Show him that he hurt you but didn't get to you.

We had a "conversation" when I returned to work. Afterward, I sent him an email stating that I refuse to be apologetic for all my behavior during the time that I was sick.

He stated that he didn't have the "where-with-all" to mentor me any longer and that he was letting me stay on his lab to do experiments for my next job essentially out of pity. I told him that it wasn't ME he didn't have the ability to mentor. It was my illness. Something I struggle everyday to keep at bay. If he can't put himself in my shoes, that's just self-centered and sad.

I actually pity him. As a scientist that studies mental disease you would think that he'd understand that mental illness = abnormal thinking = abnormal behavior. In fact, my recollection of what happened during those times is hazy at best, indicating that I was clearly not thinking clearly.

I'm disappointed that even those who study and understand these diseases most of all still can't separate what constitutes the action of the person versus that of the illness.

Sure there has to be accountability for one's actions. But when the brain isn't working correctly, is it right to assign the blame for those actions to the person suffering the illness.

It's the same reason we don't put mental ill people to death in this country.

Sounds like he does not understand your mental illness and doesn't agree with the time you took off. I know this is difficult, but do your best to ignore it and not let it get under your skin.

@ledzepmaster said:

Sounds like he does not understand your mental illness and doesn't agree with the time you took off. I know this is difficult, but do your best to ignore it and not let it get under your skin.

That's pretty much the going strategy. It's tough when you're psyche is already pretty fragile but I've kind of reverted to the "f*** him" strategy. I plan on producing some amazing data over the next few months and if he asks for credit because it was done in his lab with his resources, I have the legal right to deny him authorship on any resulting publications since he declared that he was no longer my mentor.

oh ivy i'm so sorry you have to deal with this. your boss needs some counseling in empathy, relationships, and being a kind human being. document everything. what you overheard. to whom was he speaking. when. how close were they. so that if you go to HR you'll have some specific instances. and you also have copies of your email exchange. gawd what a horrible person.

keep your eyes on april, honey. only 2 more months to april! you can do it! pretend that in april you go on tour and that you are psyched beyond belief and nobody but NOBODY can shit on that psyched feeling. and breath. deep calming breathing. it sounds like you need to finish out your work there. do stellar work. shine. if he continues blatantly bashing you to other employees then do go to HR. i don't think a big heated confrontation with him would be good idea. he'd just use that to prove his cold hearted point. but do put a time limit on how long you will wait till HR. give him oh say 3 weeks to knock it off. gather your info. then if he's still an asshole it's time for HR. if you think he's already gotten to them first be very sure to be controlled and to not explode. do not give them anything to chew on. protect yourself with a bubble of white light. and breath.
<3 <3 <3

If I remember correctly I think that you had posted what your specific illness is at some point. My father has the same illness and he has since gotten it controlled and is the man I remember again. It was not an easy road getting here but from the standpoint of a person who was repeatedly directly affected by my father's illness I can't say that I blame your boss for distancing himself from you. I agree that the behaviors caused by the illness are NOT who you are, but it is not his responsibility to make that distinction nor is it fair for you or anyone else to expect things to be all hunky-dory right away. Regaining that trust you had previously with him takes lots of time after something like this. I know that it took me a long time to fully forgive and trust my dad after his 6+ years of episodes where he was literally (well not literally... but you get the idea) a different person. Also, since you have stated that you guys were fairly close prior to you entering the hospital, consider that the time that he was dealing with your illness and then your absence was very stressful and emotionally trying on him as well. I know that my family's ordeal was VERY stressful on us... VERY. We are only still together as a family unit through a conglomeration of love, perseverance, weakness, strength, patience and forgiveness.

I do agree that he is not handling things very well, but he's human. He is not doing you a favor by letting you stay on the job as it is illegal for him to let you go based on behaviors cause by a documented mental illness.

This is just my 2 cents but I definitely speak from experience and am an almost unconditionally forgiving person.

Good luck.

I think you have to just suck it up and wait for your new job to start.

@ivy_light I can really personally sympathize with you, but I think @tripsforjoeg and @The_Mollusk have it right here. I think you both are dealing with hurt feelings and you need to be the bigger person. I find it easiest to empathize with your position: you didn't choose this, it isn't your fault, and yet you are still being blamed for it and having to worry about the consequences for your career. Eliminating the stigma of mental illness has become something of a personal hobbyhorse for me over the past few years, so believe me when I say I understand where you are coming from.

But try to look at it from his perspective. I think his behavior may be less about you and more about his own expectations. He hired you expecting a useful lab/research assistant (or whatever it is you do; I guess I'm assuming you do something like that given the field). Instead, he got an employee who was absent and out of communication for a while, and possibly acting odd before that (you've admitted yourself that your recollection of that period is hazy). Now, even just giving the narrative of events almost makes it sound accusatory, even though none of this was actually your fault, so I hope you can understand (not the same as accepting, of course) why he is acting this way. It sounds like it stems more from him being clueless and self-centered than being vindictive.

I think the best advice is to do everything you can within reason to salvage the relationship, even if that means apologizing to some extent. That doesn't mean you need to pretend that it was all your fault, but I think it would be good to recognize that you caused him some problems even if it was not intentional or preventable. Maybe if you can meet him halfway, it will help him to realize his own part in this, at least to some extent. Now I realize that one person's "meeting him halfway" is another's "compromising your principles and encouraging bad behavior," so I recognize that there are limits to how far you can and should go. And I don't know all the ins and outs here; maybe you've already done this. But knowing how hard it would be for me to follow my own advice here, maybe there's more you can do to empathize with him, as hard as that may be given his lack of empathy for you.

In any event, my heart goes out to you. I don't even know you but I kind of feel like giving you a hug anyway. It must be hell having to deal with all this bullshit on top of your own recovery, but it sounds like you are handling it admirably. Remember that you didn't get this job by accident; your skills and intelligence are what got you here, and even if this ends up being a temporary speed bump, I'm sure you'll do fine as long as you keep your head up. Best wishes.

@me_no_are_no_nice_guy said:

@spaced said:

@ivy_light I can really personally sympathize with you, but I think @tripsforjoeg and @The_Mollusk have it right here. I think you both are dealing with hurt feelings and you need to be the bigger person. I find it easiest to empathize with your position: you didn't choose this, it isn't your fault, and yet you are still being blamed for it and having to worry about the consequences for your career. Eliminating the stigma of mental illness has become something of a personal hobbyhorse for me over the past few years, so believe me when I say I understand where you are coming from. But try to look at it from his perspective. I think his behavior may be less about you and more about his own expectations. He hired you expecting a useful lab/research assistant (or whatever it is you do; I guess I'm assuming you do something like that given the field). Instead, he got an employee who was absent and out of communication for a while, and possibly acting odd before that (you've admitted yourself that your recollection of that period is hazy). Now, even just giving the narrative of events almost makes it sound accusatory, even though none of this was actually your fault, so I hope you can understand (not the same as accepting, of course) why he is acting this way. It sounds like it stems more from him being clueless and self-centered than being vindictive. I think the best advice is to do everything you can within reason to salvage the relationship, even if that means apologizing to some extent. That doesn't mean you need to pretend that it was all your fault, but I think it would be good to recognize that you caused him some problems even if it was not intentional or preventable. Maybe if you can meet him halfway, it will help him to realize his own part in this, at least to some extent. Now I realize that one person's "meeting him halfway" is another's "compromising your principles and encouraging bad behavior," so I recognize that there are limits to how far you can and should go. And I don't know all the ins and outs here; maybe you've already done this. But knowing how hard it would be for me to follow my own advice here, maybe there's more you can do to empathize with him, as hard as that may be given his lack of empathy for you. In any event, my heart goes out to you. I don't even know you but I kind of feel like giving you a hug anyway. It must be hell having to deal with all this bullshit on top of your own recovery, but it sounds like you are handling it admirably. Remember that you didn't get this job by accident; your skills and intelligence are what got you here, and even if this ends up being a temporary speed bump, I'm sure you'll do fine as long as you keep your head up. Best wishes.

You could have said I was right too. Thanks

Sorry, didn't notice your post. I probably assumed you were trolling or something

@pigmaniac said:

@the_Crested_Hogchoker said:

@pigmaniac said:

@the_Crested_Hogchoker said:

Quietly gain information. Look for anything that could lead to a lawsuit. Look for ways to turn other employees against him/the organization. Look for any kind of monkey wrench you can possibly throw into the system (going over his head, refusing to perform tasks until something changes, etc.). Prepare yourself to be the biggest, meanest f***ing asshole you possibly can be, but all while doing your job and doing what you can to get back on his good side. Being confident in your abiltity to f*** him over will make it easier to wear a fake smile, double cross other employees, etc. Either things will blow over, or you'll have some cards to play if it doesnt.... then just take it from there.

^^^This is quite possibly the worst advice I have ever heard/read...ever.

Set up a one on one with your boss, put ALL of your cards on the table and kindly ask for an explanation...and do everything you can to keep your emotions in check. Upon completion of this meeting you will know if A) the situation will improve and the healing will begin, or B) you need to tell him 'I'm really sorry that you feel this way, I really enjoy my job, and working for this company but it is obviously time for me to move on. Then, after thanking him for giving you the opportunity to work there for the last however many years, ask him if it's okay to use him as a reference as you look for another job...also ask him if you can stay on, busting your ass for his company while you look for other work(worst that can happen is he says 'no'). Basically start with the result you want(output), and work backwards to find what course you should take(inputs) to get that result. From the bits of information you have given I would say what your desired result should be is to regain this DB's respect, whether he wants you there or not i.e. don't urn the bridge. You may have to swallow some pride, but as Dylan says, 'you will not die, it's not poison'.
Good luck, and God bless!

I'm not talking about an all out war. I'm talking finding a way to play hardball and gain some power over your own situation, if it is needed. What you're suggesting is attempting to get what you want through showing absolute weakness to someone who already thinks you are too weak to handle your position. The issue here is one of respect.

Oh brother. Fair enough, G, good luck with your 'hardball' approach yo. Let me guess, you were born after 1990?

No homeboy, I was professionally trained in protocol at a military college. This is a basic power play. The point is to maximize your ability to defend yourself when your chain of command is failing in its obligation to you, through leaving yourself as many options as possible to reach a desirable outcome.

With some people, all they respect is power. When they have the advantage of a higher position and are treating you in a less than professional manner, one of the fastest ways to even the playing field is to disrupt their ability to exert power over you. This could be by digging up dirt that could threaten their career. You could do it by turning your staff's opinion against him. Or you can do it by disrupting the operation to the degree that it highlights just how much the people under him have control over certain aspects of the situation.

If you play cold enough, and wear a good enough mask, there are any number of moves you can create for yourself. Like I said, on the surface, play nice and be 100% professional, but if that doesn't pan out, if you've prepared properly, you will have manipulated as much of the situation as you possibly could have and you may end up with an opportunity to make a power play... that is, to exert the advantage that you have secretly created and have another shot at reaching your desired outcome.

The trade off is, that you have to be willing to be two faced, and you have to be willing to be mean. When you're dealing with a dick that doesn't recognize your hard work and professionalism, sometimes you have to wake him up by going on the offensive.

When your career is on the line, it pays to be cutthroat.

@mfhgreyboy said:

Wow. Kind of surprised at the defense of the boss here.

I understand that he's in a difficult position, but I don't think it's too much to expect for him to abide by the law. Treating @ivy_light differently than her peers and/or retaliating (such as "freezing someone out" of their professional development) as a result of either (1) taking a federally protected leave of absence; or (2) an acknowledged medical condition that qualifies as a "disability" under the ADA is illegal.

@ivy_light - I still believe that your best course of action is laying low until you escape to Colorado - but not because you did anything wrong or because I feel sorry for the position of your boss. It's simply that you'd have to deal with this for months and months on a moving forward basis and I think moving cross-country would provide you with a clean break to just move forward. And I'm a bit worried about the influence this guy has on your next position. I would imagine the scientific community in your field is a pretty small pool and I wouldn't want this issue with him to turn into something wider.

Well, it's not necessarily defense of the boss. He is a boss. He expects consistent, high-level performance, like all bosses do. He doesn't need to understand anyone's mental health. If you can't perform your job at a high level, you piss your boss off. It's that simple. If she can't handle the pressure that comes with work, and find a way to channel some of this, then maybe it's time to go on disability. It's not like once she leaves this job, things are going to change. Every boss in every field has high expectations of their staff. I feel bad that she's going through this, but the reality of the situation is, her boss obviously thinks she's not performing at the level he knows she can.

It's a tough world'd.
Life's not always fair'd.